Adem Learns To Cry

G-d has been with me. We've been talking lightly. He listens to me complain to my friends and waits patiently while I run around searching recklessly for a shoulder to cry on. I have been a lot of things but one thing I have never been is perfect and as I have existed in the bible belt these past couple of weeks, I've thought about it constantly. I don't understand. It as if I know a completely different G-d than many people here do.

I have been constantly wrestling with being judgemental as I look at a movement of church that disgusts me. I've said it before and I will say it now. I have absolutely no desire in my life to become more christian. My desire is to do the will of my Father who sent me. I have been asking Him why a lot lately. Why did You bring me here? Why did you put me in this place? Why am I sleeping in this bed? Why am I in this state?

I want to know why nobody will answer the phone for me. I want to know why I am so isolated, so alone. So many of my relationships are fading in my absence and I feel the strain. I feel this grief over relationships that will never be the same again ever and I ask Him. I say, "Why? Why are you doing things this way?" I want to know why He puts particular types of people in my life, especially ones that are so opposite of who I am.

Most of all, it comes down to loneliness. I want to know why I am so alone. And tonight, as I came ino the house at 11:30 with a broken out windshield courtesy of downtown bible belt, I thought of the lyric from Samuel's Son. At the risk of sounding pretentious, I will quote myself. It says, "Is it possible that loneliness is just a tool, a symptom of our separation from You?" And I finally stopped thinking of loneliness as a weakness, a cause of depression and I began to think of loneliness as a tool. I began to think of loneliness as being a symptom of our thirst for an intimate relationship with Joshua.

Tonight I learned to cry... out. He said, "Call to me and I will show you things that you have not seen." And I think it's easier for us to cry than it is to cry out. Dating back to the exodus of the israelites, there is a call and response; a sort of song and dance where people cry out to G-d and He responds with action.

I didn't quit everything I was doing and leave New York with no money, no source of income, and no relationships so that I could come here and be stagnant. I am here and I am crying out to the G-d of Abraham, Isaac, of ISRAEL... I want movement. Things are well. I am learning that following Joshua means complete reliance on Him. Complete trusting in Him. Love is the solution. Everything else is the problem.

Humbly yours,
adem